March 24th, 2014
Well, I am a single parent 2x.
Overall I was very young the first time I became pregnant.
I wanted a child and had to face much opposition with family
where abortion was a concern.
Of course there was adoption and open adoption but I declined everything and accepted whatever the consequences were. After all I wanted home and family and never had that. I, like, most women in my situation felt the guy would do a turn around and it didn't happen.
So I still faced the consequences.
I am not sure if I am sorry or not, my daughter is doing well despite no contact since she is about 21, and she is 37 now. My son, Raymond, most of you know about, as he is Bi-Polar and was instituitonalized in and out of hospitals, and residential treatment centers.
I saw Shirley's 20/20 intervierw where she stated she would place herself and her career first as she witnessed her mother suffering for suppressing her creativity.
At first I thought that was selfish considering she had a child. Then I watched the video again (aka Youtube-where-else?) and now I had time to think.
I sacrificed alot. Living on Public Assistance, trying to develop a career aka attending Junior College taking care of a minor.(My daughter at that point).
And well, Shirley was right, I suffered giving up certain freedoms. Why?
I went through a 2nd pregnancy / didn't go for the adoption option. I am not sure now, especially with the fact my son is Mulatto, my daughter(Lea) is Finnish background, (and both are Italian French and German, and Raymond is part Cherokee)...
The thing is last week I had a wake up call and then I remembered Shirley's 20/20 interview.
First: My daughter bolted from home at 18; My son Raymond was at the time 3 1/2.
Considering I was a single parent, with some emotional supports, but somehow it wasn't enough, I think I did pretty good. She didn't turn into a drug addict, and wasn't at all promiscuous. She wore sensible clothes, wasn't into showing off her body and wasn't really interested in makeup, but a bit into acrylic nails, and paying attention to her hair. She enjoyed having her hair permed. And though I am her mother, feel she was a beautiful girl, and is a beautiful young woman - well at least in comparison to my age (I am now 60)...(can't believe that sometimes!) aka a photo in Robin Quiver's book!
My son, on the other hand, was taken from me due to his disability: he was originally diagnosed as ADHD and is now Bi-Polar. He has extreme behavioural problems, and is unfortunatly in the system. Was institutionalized for 12 and a half years.
I sacrificed my time for both, going to PTA meetings, Therapy, Family therapy the whole 9 yards.
Was even in parent advocacy for a bit for parents who had children diagnosed with a therapeutic problem (aka my son). And I have had my ups and downs as well as many of you know. I
With my daughter I attended many parenting groups.
I, myself have been diagnosed as Chronically depressed, with borderline Bi-polar issues. I am on prosaic.
Last week, was it, March the week of the 21st, 2014. Raymondcame to me accusing me of being the source for all his problems and his sister's as well. He said things to me concerning my daughter's father.
Glenn, Lea's father was not in her life until after Raymond was born. The city brought him to Family Court. He then was given visitation. She was 11/fast going on 12 at the time he came around.
That was short lived, he brought more problems to us being in her life then not, (too detailed to go into).
The bottom line is that in 2010 I believe it was he wrote and sent a letter to me, about his wife who he met after dumping me, had died in a DUI accident. He sort of indirectly blamed me. Glenn even accused me of standing by while Raymonds father (Larry) sexually abused outr daughter, which was far from the truth. He stated if he knew it was factual he would have killed both of us. What a moron!
To top this off, part of the letter he stated that the best thing that would have happened is if I had died in childbirth so he would have gained custody of our daughter. What?
He told me at the time to have an abortion, he did not want the responsibility of being a father. He had NO parental rights as he never declared fatherhood until that court appearance.
Lea had my last name. If anything like that would have happened most likely though my relationship with my sister is dysfunctional I am about 99% positive she would have taken on the responsibility.
What was all this about? His wife was unable to become pregnant, when it was found out he suddenly became father oriented over Lea, whom he had no contact with.
I had to lay all this on Raymond!
He is seriously dating a woman who is more problematic than he is.
She has 4 children none in her custody. And Raymond wants to marry her. Aviva is 7 years olde3r than him, but that is NOT the issue.
Aviva came into my apartment and made herself literally at home...taking my food out of the fridge without telling me, cooking it up, and she also stole from me. She told Raymond she was borrowing my jewelry, and never asked, or returned it. And there were other incidernts that occurred, which I don't wish to reveal here.
Raymond for some reason thinks I am going to babysit when/if his gf becomes pregnant.
THERE IS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THSN YOUR FREEDOM!
So Shirley I commend you. I know you stated alot of what Sachi states is fabricated, but there was some she spoke of in her book you revealed in your books.
It doesn't matter.
This is what I sacrificed, and what you felt you couldn't.
Decisions are hard, but I wish I had had the courage to do what you did, if so my life path would have been free to go n another direction.
This is what I ended up getting as a parent: Not even a box of Whitman's chocolates on Mothers Day.
I am going to be working shortly, I am planning to return to college to earn my MSW at the age of 61, and though it may be an impossible goal I have every intention of opening a Center geared towards teenagers 13 - 19 who have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused. The goal will be to get them into therapy while there, finish school and it will be goal oriented. I am hoping to pursue it to have the children emancipated if possible. I was hoping to have my Mentor help me with this endeavor but it didn't work out that way but even without his help I am going to achieve this goal.
'If anyone is interested in knowing more about all this, and maybe even have some suggestions please feel free to Email meL: firstname.lastname@example.org
You can see my videocam about this on YouTube: The Bird's Nest: A Safe Haven: Dedicated to Caroll Spinney.
This isn't an easy task to take on and will take a long time considering my age as well, but I am determined to do this.
I had planned to start this about a year and a half ago but was pulled into too many stops now it is time.
I will not be rearing grandchildren!
Thank-you Shirley! I wish I had your mindset about 43 years ago, my life would have gone in a better direction. But maybe my experiences will help me do this now. Who knows?
Maybe Lea will reconnect as she is a social worker working in a group home with problematic teen girls. Maybe she will take this goal of mine over when it will be evident I can no longer fulfill it, but I am going to work hard on getting it done!
Thank-you, Shirley - and Sachi I am sorry you feel the way you do, but as things are: Everything as your Mom has taught us, happens for a reason!
I am sure there will be some members who have a differing viewpoint but this is where I am at now. As the saying goes: "If I knew then what I know now..."