Me, Fountain Gallery, and everything else
November 1th, 2013
Well, things for me have certainly changed. Some of it for the worse,
and some for the better. I am not sure if the bottle is half filled or half empty. But then life is filled with lessons to be learned to live and go on our own path for spiritual growth. But then, we members, of Shirley Maclaine.com know that more than the people around us that we have to deal with everyday.
The last 3 years have been really hard for me to work through certain issues. The hernia issue, my up again down again problematic relationship with Peter and trusting someone of authority or however you want to interpret that, and being severely burned emotionally.
Everyone has been hurt in life and I am sure in more than one direction,
and I don't want to go into detail here.
I am more alone than ever. Have no emotional support system. It is one thing having to pull all that from a program, but to me it is cold and remote sort of.
I am trying to reconnect to people I have been close to through many years but despite Face Book's efforts that is bombing big time. There is a saying, "One can't go home again." I feel that is 100% accurate at least for me.
The past is over with, there were lessons to be learned to grow from and then go on. Whether those lessons are positive or negative.
I am now 60, the holidays are coming in and I feel so alone despite people with me or around me.
When I talk of all of these experiences to certain people it is like well, just forget it and continue with your life. And it isn't easy for me. I am despite what some people feel or think extremely sensitive and I easily hurt. Yet for some reason I still go out there and try to work through these issues that pop up. Well, something happened, and I turned around and I am 60!
So I am isolating again to meditate, think and try to figure all my personal phases out.
What else can I do?
All my elderly relatives are gone. And I have no close relatives to rely on or even socialize with. My sister lied to my brother and me, and stole what little inheritance my father left for me and my brother. My brother let it all go and went on, but I haven't been able to do that.
It comes down to again being alone and working it all out in my mind. I have learned to help and keep a distance, I have to for my own survival.
The original movie, "Carrie," has resurfaced, and the script is inconsistent in some parts (I have watched it several times through Amazon Prime), but the thing is despite the grizzily ending that I myself had identified with many of the things Carrie went through in High School and worse.
1. In Grammer School as well:
I was always being picked on in school, and in 2nd grade was constantly for no reason I know of, being beat on. I was the scapegoat in school, and even on my block where I lived. I had a crush on a guy a bit older Richard Recca if I recall his name correctly and he sort of had a gf Donna. Of course she and he didn't know that, but even so Donna was always beating up on me for no reason. I did the best I could to defend myself but being 7 and dealing with disgruntled youth my age, and a lot older was impossible for me to handle.
Then there was Junior High School and it was worse. Thank Spirit for comic books and for regular books. I loved Little Women, and Black Beauty. I often wished I had owned Black Beauty. A lot of other stuff too.
Now in adult hood those lessons or experiences dead inside me, still manifest emotionally and with the resurfacing of "Carrie," I remembered.
I am sad and trying hard to leave that behind me.
My artwork helps but a problem developed at the Fountain House program, and someone I trusted betrayed me. It took a lot to realize this person had low trust issues, and I am not less to be blamed either, but the initial stuff came from this individual and we sort of both lost.
Despite that lesson the year has been long, lonely and dreary and 2014 doesn't seem that much different.
I am asking Spirit for guidance and strength everyday, and trying very hard to pull in a different direction for myself.
There is no other way to go or I will go down, and life for me right now is a huge open road. If I go along one path it will be better, the other one is littered and goes to a dead end.
Anyway, Thanks for reading this post.
Have a great day and a great week.