Waves of Blue---
As ancients waters carved the majestic landscapes of Earth, waves of energy surged through my chakras during Saturday’s meditation with Shirley, cleansing my inner terrain and sculpting a new being. Layers of history, sediment on my soul from many past lives, washed away. Stagnant energy that had been suffocating my spirit was suddenly released in bursts of light in my mind’s eye. Resistance melted by the healing vibrations pulsating through each chakra.
Some may have called it a kundalini moment, how that power surged through every fiber of my being awakening me. I call it a miracle to be able to sit here two weeks later and still feel the best I have felt in nine years, with hopes and dreams alive, a sense of purpose and adventure renewed, touched by the love of my dearest friends and the Gatherers.
Waves of blue light, crashing upon karmic shores. Melting lifetimes of fear and frustrations triggered by one long tear drop from my left eye. Oceans of pent up emotions flowing afterwards. Words are useless symbols of the healing I experienced.
That day began with a slow walk across the bridge with my dear soulmate Margot. She had eyed a beautiful Kuan Yin statue (he Divine Mother in China) for Shirley the day before at the metaphysical store down the road so we decided after breakfast to get it. Perfect gift. Shirley has been that for millions, in a sense. She has guided countless souls to explore these mysteries further, she opened doors within society and in the cosmos to a knew way of looking beyond the mundane, challenging us to explore our truths and heart’s desire despite the obstacles from family or friends (or the media) whose minds were closed.
On the site that bears her name, she is the “Mother/teacher/feminine guide” for us all on some level. She has provided us with a sacred space to freely discuss our intuitive insights, to divulge the most incredible, paranormal experiences, to question and learn freely without judgment. This is the sign of a mother’s generous spirit. Margot was right on track with that gift and line of thinking in regard to that beautiful, green Kuan Yin.
As we crossed the bridge a little yellow butterfly flickered by, a sign of my transformation to come. The bridge was my symbol of transcending the mundane and mystical, taking me across dimensions and lifetimes to this moment with my soulmate. “Walking in two worlds” has always been the way I described myself--finding that balance of both while appreciating the NOW. I still couldn’t believe the experience I had at dinner Thursday night and my time with Willy. And here I was with Margot. I felt like I was in another dimension, everything surreal. I was soaking in her presence and laughter, bonding even in the silence we shared. She was the gift my soul needed, the spiritual companion I had longed for all of my life, a spirit friend brought back to me after who knows how many lifetimes. Such an ease of being with her and a divine grace in being able to share our most intimate, spiritual and out of this world thoughts without judgment, always encouraging further explorations in this world and beyond, lessons mirrored and pillars of support for each other.
As I leaned over the bridge, I saw the riverbed below which was mostly dry exposing the stones that probably had laid there for thousands of years. Cycles of change, landscapes textured by centuries of seasons just like my spirit has experienced lifetime after lifetime. Just a small trickle left of once was probably an abundant river, I wondered how many times I sat there in another life when it rushed by wildly providing sustenance for a parched soul and a sacred society. The place felt eerily familiar and quite comfortable. What stories do the stones hold, what songs do the mountains sing. Had they seen Margot and I as well as the other Gatherers before. The surrounding landscape was lush and rich, something I don’t get to see often in my neighborhood in Texas. Beyond the bridge was a field of hope and to the right a row of sunflowers whose graceful stance inspired me to stand tall facing the light, soaking in the rays of the Divine.
Right past the field was a white horse who Margot fell in love with -- Pete, she named him, a handsome fella’who seemed to trust her, allowing her to get close. In between batting flies and trying to pet him, she promised him an apple on our return and I wondered if he was ticked when later he got only half, the other half within her. Or would he appreciate that shared snack, their moment of bonding. The pictures came out cute, a gentle reminder of a nice walk with a long, lost soul friend and her new horse. She was determined to bring Pete home. I laughed thinking about a horse on a plane and Margot sitting there smiling, happy with her new found friend.
We had to make the trip twice to the store since it had been closed that first time. On the second round, I saw several of the Gatherers exploring this interesting shop--John on the floor trying to find the best Lemurian seed, Katrin, Deb, Stephen, Dee, Elaine wandering the rooms looking at angels, books, etc. and I think a few others mingling around. After picking up the statue and a Lemurian seed crystal for Willy, we sat outside the store for a moment on these high chairs and table underneath some shade while a few people smoked. The question was raised about what we thought about the meditation moving to Shirley’s. I was a bit worried in regard to my stamina for the meditation and driving to Shirley’s and then back for Kevin’s three hour seminar so I expressed my doubts that normally I would have kept to myself.
Instantly, I realized that trickster energy was trying to allow fear to seep into my joy tainting the miracle that was already occurring. I hadn’t been able to sleep in two nights (either from the altitude or the energy of this sacred land or the excitement of the Gathering) and I was concerned about the waves I was feeling. One minute tired, the next energized. But overall, I was riding it well, doing fantastic and the body pains were absent. Normally I would have been recuperating in bed for a week from so much activity. The energy of Ojo and the love of Margot, Willy and my fellow Gatherers held me strong. So I don’t know where this doubt came from.
I wondered out loud much to the dismay of a few if going to Shirley’s was the right thing to do. They didn’t know I was speaking more from fear of my health than anything else and it was my ego and not spirit doing so. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity and a gracious gesture on Shirley’s part and my heart and soul knew it. Deep down I was thrilled beyond measure. To meditate with my spiritual mentor, the woman whose books validated my dreams, my beliefs, my truths was a unique, lifetime opportunity--something I could have never imagined even though I felt I had done so in other lives.
As a young Catholic schoolgirl never exposed to such metaphysical truths, it was hard to fathom where all of these memories and emotions of life on other planets, ancient civilizations, UFOs, attractions to sacred sites, etc. came from. Not a soul to talk to about it either without some kind of admonition or threat of psychiatric care (that “you’re just crazy” mantra most of us have heard). At least we no longer had to fear witch burnings (I think I felt the singe of that in another life) but the anticipated judgments in some family member’s minds if my truths were exposed were enough to keep me silent for years. So when Out On A Limb was published I knew I was no longer alone, a freak, an outsider. I think I read it around 1986-87. I knew there had to be others with my same feelings and longings and little did I know where I’d meet some of them 15 years down the road, across that little bridge to Ojo Caliente, and that I actually would be meditating with them at Shirley’s home.
More hungry than tired, I caught myself in midstream, cutting off that stranger in my psyche planting such useless, energy draining thoughts and dropped it immediately because I didn’t want to have to explain to others the taunting of my mind from this disease. I knew that wasn’t my heart mentioning those concerns. Later, before the meditation, I went to Deb to let her know where I was coming from. Tall, beautiful Deb with such a gracious heart--she said she understood and knew it wasn’t from a place of disrespect but concern about my health holding up and I felt a wave of relief. I learned from those doubts how that disease suppressed my freedom and it was time to release it’s stranglehold. That was the beginning of my shift.
After our walk back, Margot and I had enough time for a quick dip into one mineral spring, shower and barely get ready for the drive to Shirley’s. That trickster energy testing me again. I thought I had 30 minutes to get ready. I now had five. Our departure time got moved up. Spirit was testing my patience but I hurried along, mumbling a bit, but got ready as best as I could. I wasn’t about to miss the event--lousy looking hair or not.
Off we went in our caravan to the Philips 66 station which had a Pizza Hut. Not the most enlightening food to eat before a meditation but still one of my favorites and enough to balance my jittery metabolism which annoys me since I have to fuel it so often. I saw people arriving in the parking lot as I waited for my pizza to cook. Talk about time standing still--that was the longest 5 minutes. My mind does that to me, drives me crazy with worry. I didn’t want to hold anybody up or miss the drive to Shirley’s. Margot kept telling me to not worry because other people were still arriving. She always grounded me when I felt my emotions flittering about like that.
In the comforts of Willy’s rental car I silently blessed and then scarfed down a pizza, tried to write in the rainbow card for Shirley and catch the scenery at the same time while enjoying my time with him and Margot. I knew how vital this healing meditation was, how we planned this lifetimes ago, how the subtle effects would reach out to the universe. I didn’t anticipate the powerful impact it would have on me. I was soaking in the drive but preparing myself spiritually by centering my being. It also helped that my stomach was pleasantly full. I wasn’t nervous just thrilled and deeply grateful. I had this eerie feeling we were repeating a journey of many lifetimes ago, the same pilgrims being guided to a sacred site for a healing meditation.
As we paraded past the security guard, each of us waving at Harris standing there pointing the way to Shirley’s, we lined the road to the right and got out to a grand vista of the mountains and then proceeded to her house. I had to hurry up and finish my card, wondering if Shirley could decipher my hieroglyphic writing.
What a beautiful soul Shirley is. Gracious and loving, she tenderly greeted each of us as if she knew everyone personally--recognitions of her old class I assumed. It seemed we had graduated to this moment. It was a beautiful home with a view of the mountains that mesmerized me and Russian sage bushes against the back wall that were simply gorgeous. For some reason I thought they were lavender.
I entered respectfully knowing I was walking into her sacred space, her home, leaving the shoes outside like my lifetime in Japan and little did I know that meditation was going to leave ages of heartaches and fears,psychic dirt, at the door of my past.
As we all poured into her living room we mingled for a bit, everyone walking around, I was too excited to snack on the cookies she had waiting for us. I was very respectful and didn't’ want to look around too much at what was in her home but I couldn’t help but see the photos of grandkids or nieces or nephews with moonbeam smiles and the great shot of her and Jack Nicholson with their Academy Awards. What caught my eye the most were the spectacular floral arrangements she had. Breathtaking.
There was so much light in that room--some streaming in from her beautiful windows but a lot being emanated by the souls who had gathered. A second wind had kicked in for me. I was humbly grateful to be there and feeling fantastic now.
As we settled into the living room, squeezing in 38 lightworkers prepared for their spiritual task, we told Shirley about the pattern Anita saw and how we needed to sit in that formation of the triangle, the circle, the square and everyone else supporting and protecting it with love and light. This would be the symbol that brought in the energy to open the portal of light that day. Anita with the notes of her vision guided us all into position.
Sweet, sweet Anita. Another mother energy and angelic being. I cry thinking about her, not being able to say good-bye because when I knocked at her door on Sunday no one answered. She must have been napping. But the hugs and reassurance I received from her on Saturday penetrated my heart and will hold me until I see her again.
As we moved around into our positions I was glad that I was at the front of the living room with a little extra leg room and close to Shirley. I was facing in the direction of the back windows and that gorgeous mountain range--the energy felt right. Shirley was behind me to my left but her energy encompassed the room. I had no idea where North and South was. I just sat in my spot within the circle. A few people Anita saw in her vision were not present and Margot was called by Stephen and Katrin to fill one spot next to Dee. I was elated that she joined me in the circle because her spirit is strong and wise--my dearest soul sister. Stephen was in front of me, MJ to my right, Dee to my left, Anita behind me. Such wonderful lightbeings surrounding me. The pattern was secured.
Shirley talked with us for a bit and even passed around her two necklaces--the one from the Camino and another one where I don’t know where it came from but is that triangle symbol often seen with UFOs. Each one of us held them, blessed them and passed them on. The triangle surged with energy for me, I felt the pulsations and power resonating within me. The cross from the Camino was a more mellow sensation but still beautiful.
Sitting in Shirley’s living room on that lush, white carpet, I felt like a student again in the ancient temples of Lemuria. Answering questions, offering opinions and thanks, listening to the others around me. I was at such peace and waves of happiness and familiarity rolled through me. This was such an honor. The room glowed with love. When she was ready, we turned around to our positions, closed our eyes and she began the meditation with a waterfall CD in the background.
At the beginning, Terry her dog was busy checking every one out. I felt a breeze as if someone was passing by to my left. I was certain it was Shirley kicking out poor Terry.
As we traversed each chakra area I felt waves of energy surging within me and flashes of brilliant white light, nothing I have ever seen before, cascading through my mind’s eye. Each color she called out swirled through my mind in a mysterious flow, like an elegant dancer gracefully swaying to mystical music, each layer of resistance in me dissipating. I saw images of who I needed to work with (Margot was prominent---she’s always inspiring me to write--such a brilliant mentor), what I need to do in regard to my life path (spiritual films and TV shows, writing, creating a holistic center), where I need to be next (Santa Fe) and what I needed to release (lifetimes of fear and resistance so I may speak my truth freely and fearlessly and inspire people and instill hope in them).
Shirley skipped over the heart chakra and I wondered if anyone else noticed that. Meanwhile, little twinges in my left leg began to distract me, an annoyance in every meditation I do. It felt so heavy. Why the left leg, I don’t know. But afterwards, instead of being dead asleep like it usually is, I just shook it a bit, stretched and was fine.
As Shirley moved up the chakras, cleansing and calling us to see our visions for each energy center, she reached the throat chakra. As the blue swirled in my mind’s eye a sudden rush of emotion overwhelmed me. I tried to take a deep breath without gasping too loudly. My heart area was quickly expanding and rushing energy up to my throat. Wave upon wave of intense emotions swirled through that center. Suddenly,one big tear drop rolled down my left cheek and it took every ounce of concentration to not burst out crying.
I settled back into Shirley’s soothing voice, watching this white light expanding up to my crown chakra, swirling in the tiny universes within my body and out into the immense one in the sky and in other dimensions. I have never felt such power running through my veins and spirit. Changes were occurring on a cellular and soul level, I could feel it. I felt like I was floating.
For some reason, a tiny frog popped into my mind’s eye and disappeared. Then a strange image of the many faces of spiritual leaders throughout the ages transposing each other appeared, --Krishna, Buddha, Jesus, Mother Mary, Kuan Yin and others I didn't recognize. A serene Asian face kept appearing to me, a sweet smile on this androgynous being. I saw this as my path of honoring and respecting each spiritual tradition and seeking that Golden thread that connects us all, something I’d like to write about or do documentaries on while traveling the world. I have always felt the calling to unite the traditions into a path of peace, by honoring the perennial wisdom of each, by spreading a consciousness of unity in diversity, by seeing beyond the labels and rituals but focusing on the love and compassion taught in each path and how each serves a different flavor of the nectar of the Divine.
When Shirley cleansed the chakras and opened our heart one at the end, I felt such an intense release of energy, a lightness of being. I knew I wasn’t the same person. Stagnant energy had been evaporated, karma transmuted and all I felt was unconditional love surging through me.
She gently brought our attention back to the room, asked us to slowly wake up and I got up after slightly stretching, not really saying anything to anyone and left through the front door and sat on the steps to the right that led to the back area which faced the mountains. Tears came rushing through, like the river flowing furiously after a spring storm. Cleansing, cleansing,cleansing-- every fear, every past life frustration, every shadow that has haunted me washed away in those tears.
I knew in that throat chakra opening that I had so much to communicate to my family and to the world. Too many secrets resided within me there, stagnating and clogging that chakra, silencing me for centuries.
Instantly, I knew that I could no longer hide from my authentic nature. I could no longer play the games of being in the closet for the sake of not being judged by my very Catholic family. I am gay, get over it. Look at my spirit and not my orientation. I am also a mystical seeker, a peacemaker, an explorer of God’s multidimensional domains. I cannot conform to their religious beliefs or social conditioning. I am so happy the way I am and I can no longer cater to their images, projections, attitudes or expectations of me. It was time to come clean as my body and spirit had just experienced and to honor my path. Slowly, but surely. But I knew life was never going to be the same for me.
As the tears cleansed my essence, Jordie came out while I was sitting there and walked up next to me. I mumbled something about how healing that was and smiled. Her sweet spirit and gentleness soothed me as well as her loving hug. More people slowly poured outside. I can’t remember if I did this before or after I saw Anita but I asked Willy for the keys to the car so I could get my camera. As I walked I drenched the landscape with more tears. I leaned against the car and inhaled the majestic energy of the mountains asking them to guide me so I may stand firm and strong as they do, bearing witness to my truths as they have to the history of the land.
When I came back in I went in to see Anita. Leaning into her, I buried my face into her shoulder crying and she said, “You are going to tell them, aren’t you?” She knew what had happened, a major shift, a deep healing, energy surging through every fiber of my being. She said she had felt the power of the energy flowing through me. A sauna for my soul--emotional toxins from lifetimes oozing out of my being. I loved her so deeply in that moment for understanding me instantly, for providing me with that safe energy to just be me, for that tender hug that I had always wanted from my mother when I finally tell her the truth of one aspect of my being but now knowing I really don’t need that approval.
I have always had a closed throat chakra (lump in my throat) even though I am very outspoken (a loud/gregarious Italian/Latin blend). That must be from my Gemini Moon--open and carefree with my friends, closed and guarded with my family--emotions that sway like the tides. The suppression of my creativity based on fear of criticism also took a toll on my body, mind and spirit. Lifetimes of repercussions for speaking up to my truths had been suffocating my current expression.
Eleven years ago, I had a stunning past life recall of being a monk during the genesis of the Nichiren Shoshu Buddhism sect, my hands tied behind my back and being beheaded. I had that flashback during my first meeting while everyone was chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, a familiar mantra that I had never encountered in this lifetime but it resonated within me the moment I heard it. That scene shocked me back into the reality of the meeting. I later found out the early sect leaders had literally lost their heads in the exact manner I had seen and felt. Major throat chakra trauma there.
Other memories were buried deep within my chakras reflecting that inward journey where I feared my truths and hid from my nature for the sake of conforming and being loved and literally hanging on to my dear life. So I withhold information, dance around my truths, disclose bits and pieces that are convenient to me and those energy games produced blockages in my body. I no longer feel that. Over the years I have opened up to my family about my metaphysical beliefs, my Buddhist practice----trusting in my truths-- but I still had this one big door to deal with.
I haven’t come out yet but am fully prepared mentally to do so--no more fears of being ostracized, no more concerns of their Catholic oriented guilt or judgments, no more dishonoring of my spirit. It won’t be as harsh now since I have interjected this dialogue about gays into their mind. They are more open and understanding. True progress thanks to my patience and persistance and low key approach of dispelling the myths and false generalizations as taught by the Church or society. The minute I move out and am on my own again (which I feel will be very soon), the truth will be told. I am ready.
Another door that was opened was the honesty about this entire trip. My family thought I was meeting old friends from Los Angeles instead of past life buddies from Lemuria or some other sacred society. So I told them the truth and it was so freeing, the words flowing furiously from my excitement of having returned from this life altering trip, unhindered by their reactions, my body and mind not caring if they thought I was nuts. It was such a relief to be me and to tell them where I met the people that I love---online at Shirley’s place. It took every ounce of my being not to blurt out, “Oh, by the way, been lying to you too for 17 years, I am gay! Deal with it!!” I didn’t want to shock them too much but I did feel empowered.
I am preparing for part time work, a miracle after a 9 year journey with a debilitating illness ( a great teacher). The energy of Ojo, the love of Margot and Willy and all others who touched my spirit that weekend, the power of that chakra cleansing--all of it had a profound effect on me. To be so happy, with hope running freely, doubts dissolved, confidence returned, a new life emerging for the next half of my life is absolute freedom.
I am in awe of all that happened to me and indebted to the Divine for this mystical experience. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul. As I walked that bridge with Margot that morning, I didn’t realize I would cross it later as a new woman. Side by side with my soulmate and little brother, this journey was a magical one for me. My path is enhanced by being with people who honor my spirit unconditionally, who love me wholly, who will never leave me standing on the road alone because of who I am or what I believe, who have been there for many lifetimes and will always find me.
The unconditional love of the universe, of our Mother/Father/God was coursing through my body that afternoon--both physical and astral--birthing a new me, giving me a new lease on life, a greater sense of clarity, a deeper sense of peace, and so much new love in my life that carries me forward daily with absolute hope and optimism and with a deep gratitude of the gifts of each moment in this unique incarnation. I’ve made other promises I need to keep, I have a calling to fulfill.
May the peace and love I have felt since that afternoon encompass the world, shine out beyond the distant galaxies, reverberate through multidimensions and awaken those who slumber in the mundane while missing out on the deliciousness of the mysterious and mystical nature of life.
I am still floating on that Ojo energy high!! Bowing in deep gratitude to all of my lightbeing family members, to my spirit guides, to the ancient energies and teachers of Ojo Caliente/Santa Fe but especially to my dearest Margot and brother Willy.
Peace and many blessings.
'In silence, sacred silence, we stand naked like trees in winter, all our secrets visible under our skin. And like winter's tree, we appear dead but are yet alive'--Joan Halifax